Baptiste is based on TFC Medic, dont @ me

I had something of a sobering moment the other day. I was wandering my old (and new) hometown during Shiny Rattata Day, and eventually I found myself at my old high school. I’d graduated 11 years ago, and most of my old teachers were either retired or transferred to different schools, but I did get to meet my old Drama teacher, which is awesome because she’s the one I wanted to see the most. I’d been the Improv manager and a regular in the school plays, so I’d spent many nights after school working on producing all sorts of theatrical events with her, and she asked me how I’d been doing since graduating. I explained to her that I’d moved to SF to get a game design degree and had been working in video games, and only recently moved back home for money reasons after getting written out of a startup I’d helped found. She asked how the family was doing and I talked about how my brother recently got promoted to head of HR at a startup.  She talked to me a bit about the plays they’d put on and how the school was doing, but she had to excuse herself shortly to manage the rehearsal that was about to start.

At the time, I thought we’d had a pleasant conversation, but later that night when I’d gone home I realized just how much of a corporate tool I must have sounded like. I had nothing to talk to her about except work and jobs, I bet she was disappointed in what I’d turned out to be. I never really expected to be so focused on employment, but it’s kinda been the driving force of my life since I left Ohio to break into games. I’ve been telling myself “once I pull it off, once I’m in the industry, I’ll start having a social life and hobbies again” but I’m starting to realize this ride never really stops. The increasingly-pessimistic tone of these blog updates are an indication that I need to restructure my priorities a little bit and keep the big picture in mind.

I started exercycling back up last night, and I just reinstalled Unity. An old SPUF friend added me on discord recently and when we learned we both wanted to know Unity, agreed to take a tutorial together. We’ll be starting with Pro builder next week.

There are some other cool things happening, and I’ll get into them in a future blog post, but for now I just want to apologize for the depressing tone I’d taken in my last few posts. Leaving San Francisco was a huge blow to my pride, but in all other metrics it’s done wonders for my mental health. I hope to have some more updates on gaming-oriented creative projects–like this blog was founded to talk about–real soon.

Auld Lang Syne

Well, it finally happened. I ran out of money and am moving away, back in with my parents. I guess that’s the risk I took when I pooled my money and moved to San Francisco. Nothing in life is certain, and game jobs are a famously risky industry.

I’ve never been one to attribute failure with bad luck, and indeed I can look at many, many things I could have done better in my two years in SF. While in college, I spent the lion’s share of my time on my schoolwork and almost no time trying to get hired. Once out of college, I routinely chickened out on aggressively seeking out employment with whatever contacts I managed to secure. I felt crippled by how staggeringly high the rent was, and how quickly my money was running out. I had to borrow from a close friend to make my last rent, and I’ll be retaking my old job at the Tutoring Club to rebuild my finances after paying him back.

I have some ideas for where I’ll go next, but none of them are very concrete. I was looking favorably at Irvine, but then Activision/Blizzard fired 800 people and flooded the market, so going there now would be a terrible idea. I’ve applied to several jobs in the local area, but I’d rather not live at my parent’s fulltime for the foreseeable future, since they have their own lives and I’d like to have one of my own. But for now, in all honesty, I need to count my blessings they were here to escape my SF situation, because I’d be homeless by March if they weren’t here to save me. I shouldn’t have cut it so close financially, but I was holding out hope that one of the dozens of companies I’d applied for would finally contact me.

There might be a brief lull in creative projects while I settle into my new place. Which is my old high school room, so honestly it shouldn’t take very long.

Nearing the end of the beginning

This isn’t a dev diary, this is just me talking to me. Cause I’m not sure who else to tell this to.

The first quarter in my Game Design masters is wrapping up. The big thing on everyone’s mind is the Greenlight pitch. Every student needs to pitch their idea for an awesome game to a team of industry professionals, and five of those ideas will be selected and turned into next quarter’s projects. Everyone’s pretty excited with their ideas, and I’m…not.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved every part of this program. I’ve learned all sorts of things, and while the workload has been steep, it’s reinforced that game design is my true passion and my calling at this stage of my life. But I’m drawing a complete blank on anything to pitch for the Greenlight, and there’s no real point lying to myself…I’m hoping I don’t get picked. I don’t want to be selected. I want to work on someone else’s project as a writer, do my job and keep my nose out of other people’s business.

I’m well aware that’s not the right attitude going into the most important pitch of the quarter, and I’m not sure how to break it. I’ve confessed this to my parents and the program director, and both reminded me of what I already know: this is an opportunity that won’t come around once I’m part of the greater games industry. I’ve got a whole career ahead of me where I’ll be making other people’s games, I need to seize this opportunity to make something I’ve always wanted to.

But I already make whatever I want. The internet is littered with hundreds of my games, articles, GIFs, scripts, and videos. There’s no secret dream project I’ve always been fantasizing about, because I just go ahead and make anything I’m thinking of. And the ones I haven’t made yet are all solo projects because that’s how I work best. Medical Necessity isn’t actually something I’m hoping wins; it’s my latest solo project framed as a ‘prototype’ because I can’t very well march up in front of the judges and go “Yeah, I got nothing.” I know it’s not stage fright; I love talking in front of a crowd. If only I could pitch for somebody else…

I guess in a way this is something of a comforting position. I can’t really lose if I’m hoping not to win. Part of me worries that I’m sabotaging myself, or lying to myself because I don’t want to face the prospect of losing, and I’ll regret this attitude after the Greenlight comes and goes, but we’ll just have to see. At the moment, I’m far more excited about the Ford pitch. The Just Us League is going to blow them out of the water.

Hey man. I think we would have started an open relationship.

Special thanks to my phone’s auto fill suggestions for providing the title of this post. Lord knows I had no better ideas.

In 48 hours I’ll be on a plane to California. I’ve spent 1 year plugging away at Austin, Texas, and while I’ve learned loads of new skills and earned certifications from online classes, I just can’t seem to make it stick, and I’m switching pastures. And in particular, I have my sights on Overwatch. The Blizzard team designing that game lives in Irvine, so if I want to become a part of Overwatch from the inside my living options are quite short. In order to earn enough to afford an apartment in Irvine, I’m swallowing my pride and moving in with my parents so I can build up an income without losing rent and food money.


But I cannot make this decision without admitting that it terrifies me. One of the few things I had was my forward movement, and this move isn’t nearly as cut-n-dried as the one that brought me to Austin. I cannot deny the obvious elements of convenience and shirking of responsibility that come with living with my parents. We all know that guy who coasts through life, never advancing and coattailing on family and friends indefinitely. I need to be absolutely sure I don’t fall into that rut.


But it honestly might be too late. I don’t have nearly enough of a plan to justify this move. I’m leaving hundreds of dollars of furniture and electronics that I couldn’t fit into my duffel and carry through the airport. My friends in Austin are going to miss me, and I’m pretty sure I killed a serious opportunity with one who’s more romantically compatible with me than anyone I’ve ever met. Am I giving up too soon? What exactly is my plan to attract Blizzard once I’m in California? Why aren’t I applying for them right now, here in Austin, so I could maybe get the job and move then?

I dunno. But the tickets bought and time moves steadily onward. My guts telling me this is the right call. I’d grown complacent in Austin, scraping by via nude modeling and an underpaid customer service job, and with Lyft and uber departing the city I don’t have the transportation options I need to travel throughout this city. The extremely sensitive line between forwarding myself and becoming a stagnant NEET might be the mental trepidation I need, and my parents house will keep that thought constantly on the forefront of my mind. On July 1st I unpack, and July 2nd I start jobhunting. I will continue my classes, I’ll continue shoutcasting Overwatch scrims daily, and I’ll apply to Blizzard every opportunity I can.


In other news, the Steam Summer Sale finally gave me the chance to buy the Clickteam Fusion HTML5 exporter. I’m excited to finally upload some of my games to I finished my most controversial Flora story yet and got great reactions from my readers, it’s called “5 Stages of Flora” and you can read it in the codex I linked last article.

I’ll miss Austin. I’ll miss my exercycle. I’ll miss this period of my life. But I never expected it to be permanent, and while friends can hypothetically lead to career advancement opportunities, it’s pretty clear these arent. Onward and outward.

Insert Title here

There’s this weird dichotomy with me where I’m totally down to post in this blog if I have something to show for it. Then its like “its okay I’m not doing all those things I said I’d do, look at this thing I actually did!” It gives me an excuse. For example, today I finished three character sheets for my tutorial quest and am now writing said tutorial quest, so i feel like I can justify not having touched Clickteam Fusion or Unity in over a month.

I’m also worried about my funds. Rent just happened and fucking zapped my savings account. Course, I still haven’t gone and donated blood, or picked up my three weeks paycheck from the University Coop so I guess there is money out there, I just have to go grab it. Amazing concept, that is.


saw a bag of these delicious fuckers on sale and I didn’t buy them because I gave up candy. That’s going on my list of accomplishments.

Accomplishment is a weird thing. I suspect almost everyone feels like they don’t have enough of this. There’s this tendency to downplay what you’ve already done and only think of what you haven’t. It doesn’t count that I’ve survived financially for 3 years since leaving college, what matters is how broke I am at the moment. Don’t count all the completed projects, 339 published articles and the fact that I’m a nude model who only recently found myself weighing the correct amount on the scale; what matters is my stomach could be flatter and I don’t have any books published. It’s a vicious cycle and the best way I know to keep ahold of it is just remember that we’re all in the same boat. I have a lot to feel proud of, and I’m making progress towards even more. Being alone is nothing to be ashamed of when it was a tactical choice.

Hell, I think I deserve something of a gold star when it comes to tactical choices. Not many people have saved their own life twice by 25. I’m only sitting here typing on this computer right now because I’ve managed to drop my cost of living down to almost nothing, letting me scrape by on oddjobs and nude modeling. I should visit the doctor more, though, especially because my healthcare runs out December 8th.

On the other hand, mindless backpatting doesn’t do anyone any favors. I should install photoshop and start learning it, maybe take drawing lessons. I’m missing some fundamental understanding that bridges the gap between “empty canvas” and “now you’ve got a drawing”, there’s just so many other things to do I’m not completely clueless at.

#OccupyDarwinsSoldiers We are the 99%

So we have, like, a follower now. Like, a real person. Who actually followed the blog. Apparently they get like an email or something every time I post. And this terrifies me. Somebody’s going to actually read this? Do I need to be more politically correct? Should I stop describing  all my criminal activity in gruesome detail and posting nude pictures of all my girlfriends and boyfriends I’ve had since September 2012? What are they even hoping to read? I don’t even know, but hopefully this is part of it.

Well, you nonexistent readers are now part of the 99%, and thanks to horizontal resentment I can rest assured that your ire will direct towards the 1% of existent readers and not myself, as the arguable person of power in this metaphor. So idgaf

Today we colored our brick into a bunch of different colors so the game doesn’t look like sad white chalk land. Then we dragged them into the world. Exciting and pretty basic stuff, but since I haven’t watched a video since April, I appreciate him going slow.

Oh, new announcement! So if you’ll recall, I promised myself to bike 20 minutes a day, and unlike my Unity daily goal I’ve been fucking golden at the biking one. The trick came when I discovered that shoutcasted competitive L4D2 matches existed on Youtube and are really fun, so now I watch one of those while on the bike and it’s awesome. To celebrate absolutely nothing we’re adding a third once-a-day to the ole repertoire, and its an embarrassing one so thank god a real person decided to join just in time…I’m going to draw something every day until I’m a not suck artist. It’s the hugest bottleneck in my game development (other than not owning HTML5 exporter for Clickteam Fusion) so Imma just keep doing it until I can do it kinda skillfully. Whatever drawing will be posted here because otherwise I won’t remember. So without further ado, Karl the Policeman.

First drawing on ipad

Don’t occupy Darwin’s Soldiers too hard, or he’ll pepper spray you.